joaoyoda

There's something in life called purpose, i remember thinking about this since i was a kid, at the time it was kinda simple, my purpose was to make my mother happy, i was one of the most important things in her life, so it was easy to get in that point, be right, be fair, get a good score in school, basic stuff, so i did it, made my mother happy, got to a good university at age of 18, but i noticed, for some reason i wasn't happy, despite having a lot of reasons to be, i should not live for someone else, i would never be happy doing this.

Thinking about it, i was quite depressed, in most of my life, didn't know why at the time, but looking back i think i was putting the pain behind my obsessions and day to day pleasures. Today, i do not feel this pain anymore, it was this strange feeling that made me fell hate against myself, now gone, i thought it would be happiness in his place, but no, now i feel nothing.

No more shame.

No more hate.

No more sadness.

Nothing.

I am trying new things, going to new places, finding new people, but yet, i feel nothing

Its not like i was like this in the past, back them my ambitions were to go away from everything, restart, go back to zero, when i was not fucked up in the head. Now its like i am in this place, zero, but now what? i am not sad anymore, ok, but i can't be happy. Sure, i like going out, trying new things and stuff, but when its over it goes right back to nothing, i ain't even mad about this anymore, i just want to know why it keeps happening.

I said some time ago that i had a job now, every day i go to work and walk 2.5 km to get there, i really like it, it makes me feel good, i am doing something right for some purpose bigger than me, but it is still finding happiness through someone else. I want to do something for myself, something more than taking care of my body, taking care of my mind, enjoying pleasures. This is the standard, what everyone should do, what everyone should have access to, i want something more personal, but i cant find what it is.

Other people have goals, want to achieve something, and there's incredible people everywhere, it's always possible to be better, to improve, to be the best. I don't have any goals, for some reason i cant find a concrete objective in my mind, its always some abstract thing like "be happy", "finding a wife" or "making a novel i want to". What do i want to be happy? who do i want to be in my family? what is in my story i want to write about? i cant seem to find this answers. Its like i have no purpose, no meaning and specially no motivation.

It's been a long time, sorry to appear posting a journal and not an drawing. It is kinda personal but is something that i need to talk about and get out of my head.

I started to work, in a job completely unrelated to drawing, it was really good for me, i felt that i am useful for someone, and working every day in something unrelated to me as a person made me realize something, its really hard to differentiate what brings me happiness and what brings me joy.

I don't know if it is only me but I spend a lot of time playing with my friends, talking, preparing to play RPG, watching YouTube videos, anyway, I started thinking about how I felt, and despite being really happy in the moment, i don't think i am happy in a broader sense, like, doing stuff is really good and all but... i feel empty in the other moments, like while alone at home, its funny because if i turn up a YouTube video the feeling goes away, and in his place there is a small moment of refuge against my own mind.

I thought this emptiness was something that could be changed if i find a girlfriend, but i don't think is the same loneliness, because even if i find someone, the sense of happiness would either vanish away every time i get alone(like it does right now) or i would make every moment alone a moment thinking about her. I don't think love works like that, i think true happiness, joy, comes from oneself.

So i think i will solve this problem first, i need space to do things for me, this letter is a beginning, i don't think anyone will read this honestly, but i really wanted to write it, for myself, and if i post it, maybe it is a step in the right direction, maybe it will help me find Joy.

I not only need to draw again but i need to grow, i will try to study more. For me my drawings are always "the best i can do at moment" and "perfect"(not in a technical way, but in a personal way). So i need to do things to fail, to take risks, less time playing videogames, more time suffering, noticing that there's many things i don't know, that i can know, because if there's something i know it makes me happy, truly happy, it's being useful to someone.

I want to be useful for myself.

Recently finished reading Vinland saga, it is a really good story, and it got me thinking on what makes life worth it.

Life has an infinite number of adversities that it throws in our heads, we live alone in each ones world, we don't know what each other is going through, many adversities have degrees of difficulties, and many people are forced to face challenges they are not prepared to. This challenges can even be impossible to defeat, making our struggle fell uninspired and useless, put luck in this equation and you have the result, the world will never be a fair place, so why even try?

We cant change the world alone, but, if you think about it, neither can evil, I thought more and more about how to make my life easier, how to get things to where I can enjoy, but now I understand that I will never be satisfied, so, why even try?

The only result I got trying was discover that there's no plausible reality were I am happy all the time, there's no reality where my life went all right, and there's no reality with no suffering in my future, the only thing I have is this reality, where I can face the adversities life throws in my face, in this reality there's no try, there's only one chance, and that's the really hard part, I hope I get stronger, that's the reason I am trying, I want to live, I want to be better